


Despair and Hope

by TigerWolfDemon



Series: Lost and Found Au [1]
Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28954458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerWolfDemon/pseuds/TigerWolfDemon
Summary: What do you do when you find out your daughter never went to summer camp? That the person you love more than life itself is missing?Camila Noceda does her best to never give up on her Luz. Even if people think she's crazy.* inspired by the Four years Au *
Series: Lost and Found Au [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123745
Comments: 15
Kudos: 116





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Drabbles_Of_Writing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drabbles_Of_Writing/gifts).



> Hope you guys enjoy, this part is probably just going to be a sad fic so sorry if you're sensitive to that. I was inspired by the four years au and so many others talking about Camila and I just had to write something. This story will probably be non Canon as soon as season two comes out but oh well.

Camila Noceda checked her phone for the fifth time that night, the last message she received from her daughter was three days ago. She bit her lip as she pushed down her worst thoughts. She's probably just busy with her friends. Camila sighed, glancing at the clock. It was late, she needed sleep. She texted her daughter a goodnight and fell into a dreamless sleep.

\------------

Camila immediately glanced at her phone, her heart bursting with joy as she saw a message from her daughter. She unlocked her phone quickly, opening the text. 

The person you are trying to message is out of your service range. Please click the link below to see our coverage map. 

Panic was the first thing that came to mind, don't be stupid, they might have just went on a hike or she dropped her phone in the sink again. Camila let out an amused huff from her nose, remembering when she first got Luz her own phone and how almost a week later it had met a watery end. I'll just call the camp tomorrow. Camila sighed as she continued getting ready for another long shift at the hospital. Her fear, despite her rationalizations, still in the back of her mind. She grumbled to herself for being too worried, as she glanced at the stack of letters. She's fine.

\---------------

Camila was up before her alarm even went off, as she dialed the number to the camp on her phone. 

"Hello"

"Yes, I would like to speak to my daughter Luz Noceda-"

"Thank you for calling, Inside the Box Summer Camp, helping troubled minds learn how to navigate the real world since 2004. Our administrative hours are from 9 AM to 5 PM. Please leave a message and we'll be happy to get back to y-"

Camila growled as she hung up, glaring at her clock which displayed 7 AM. Mierda. She grumbled as she started her day, carefully making a note to call them during her lunch break. As she walked out the door, she swallowed down her frustration. Her fear lingered gently, like a train whistle in the distance. She closed her eyes, steeling her nerves, then drove to the hospital.

\---------------

Time seemed to drag endlessly during the first half of her shift. Everywhere Camila turned, she heard the clock, and it only seemed louder after it struck nine. She was, however, the master of being able to save face. She smiled, laughed, and was on top of every task, while inside she was dying to just grab her phone and make the call. She let out a sigh, just focus on the tasks at hand. It was her mantra when she was worried. That phrase had saved her countless times in college and throughout her messy divorce. The clock seemed to quiet, and she felt relief as her lunch break seemed to arrive faster than she had thought.

She paced carefully outside, in the sunny picnic area next to the cafeteria. The dial rang four times before a voice picked up.

"Hello-"

"Hi, I would like to speak to my daughter, Luz Noceda."

"Of course, ma'am. Let me just run through my list of campers to see what group she is in." The chipper voice sang on the other end, they hummed quietly to themselves as they typed. Then the humming stopped. "Ma'am could you spell your last name please?"

"Yes, Noceda, N as in Nancy, O as in Oliver, C as in Cat, E as in Eric, D as in Dog, A as in Apple." Camila said patiently, while her pacing only got faster.

"Would it be under any other name?" The person seemed to pause, their chipper voice sounded more strained. 

Camila felt her heart start to race, "No, can you check again."

"I'll do you one better, I'll transfer you to the camp administrator." They said quickly, "They'll have better access to the records."

Camila wanted to argue but quickly was met with hold music, she bit back a frustrated scream. Luz has been there almost two months and they can't find her on a fucking list. 

"Hello Ma'am?" An older female voice asked.

"Hello, I'm Camila Noceda, mother of Luz Noceda and I would like to talk to her." Camila all but spat into the phone.

"Of course ma'am and Noceda is spelled N, O, C, E, D, A is that correct?"

"Yes. Can I talk to Luz or Not?"

"Give...give me one moment please."

Camila was seeing red as the hold music went on for what felt like an hour, when the voice picked up again she felt rage growling to get out.

"Ms. Noceda, our records show that Luz never arrived on the bus to camp."

The rage was dead, shot by the fear that now poured from every cell in her body. It felt like time had stopped right there.  
\---------------------

The room felt too alive, Camila thought, as she sat in the busy police office. My daughter is missing and all they do is carry on?! 

"Now, when did you last see your daughter Ms. Noceda?"

"The morning....the morning she was leaving for camp." 

"Have you had any contact at all recently?"

"Yes, I received a text from her five days ago and a letter Monday." Camila felt herself slipping into her fear, but she shoved it down. She needed to focus if she wanted to find Luz. 

"Do you have the letters and the envelopes they were sent in, we see if there are any mailing records from the camp." The officer asked, not looking up from his notes.

"Si, Si, I have them inside." She nodded walking into her home to retrieve the letters. She watched as more police cars showed up. "Here you go Sir."

"Thank you, Ma'am. We've already started a search party for the local area. I'll take these to evidence....now I know this may be disheartening to think about, but is there anyone who would want to hurt Luz or take her away from you. I know from your paper that you have an ex husband, Luz's father-"

"Hector walked out on our daughter a decade ago, none of us have had any contact since the divorce. He didn't even try for custody." Camila said, her voice filled with a mixture of anger, fear and pain. "Please find my little girl."

"We'll do our best Ma'am" The officer nodded, handing her a card, "if you hear anything or get any news call that number right away."

Camila took it, before following the search party into the nearby woods.

\---------------------

Camila awoke on her couch in the living room, the memories of yesterday's events flooded her mind like a bad dream. Tears pricked her eyes as she checked her text messages from her daughter, only to find them exactly how they were before. Any hope for denial was smashed when she saw the business card the officer had given her the other day. She saw the missed calls and called them back immediately.

"Ms. Noceda?" A soft voice asked.

"Yes, that's me." She responded so meekly she almost didn't recognize it as her own.

"We checked those letters and there's no record of them ever being received by the post office...."

Camila didn't think her heart could break more than it already was, "then how did they get there?"

"We think whoever put these in your mailbox were the people who took your daughter.-" the detective continued on but her words fell on deaf ears.

The words 'took your daughter' repeated themselves in a loop. Camila was a nurse, she had seen more than her fair share of worst case scenarios, car accidents, assaults, abuse. All those flash into her mind as she thought of her little girl. Her Luz, her light. Trapped, abused. 

"Ms. Noceda?" the detective's voice called.

"Yes?" Camila sobbed, she hadn't even realized she was crying.

"We will do everything we can to find your daughter." The detective reassured.

"Thank you."  
\-----------------

The Nocedas didn't live in a bad neighborhood. It was on the poor side. The abandoned house nearby was a dead giveaway to that. However it didn't have a lot of crime or violence. Camila remembered when she moved here, with Luz when she was only four. It had been shortly after the divorce. Luz was so happy to find out she could paint her room, as that wasn't allowed at their old apartment. Camila could almost hear the four year old running to her in the store holding a light purple paint swatch, saying "por favor Mami!".

She felt herself break for what felt like the millionth time in the past two days. 48 hours had passed since the police had been involved. The words of a young officer, words that weren't meant for her to hear echoed in her head.

"Detective, aren't the first seventy two hours the most crucial for finding someone? How do we find a kid that's been missing for a month and a half?"

Those words were branded into her brain, still hot to the touch. Leading to a line of thoughts that Camila didn't dare touch. She knew that if she even dared consider them.....she wouldn't know if she could go on living. A knock broke the monolog. Camila rushed to the door.

"Ms. Noceda, we found part of a brochure in the abandoned house down the way." The detective stated.

Camila's eyes stared at it, immediately recognizing the inside the box logo. Her heart swelled with emotions. "Luz."

"We suspect she may have gone there at least temporarily. However we didn't find anything else. Did Luz ever mention she was unhappy? Did she ever threaten to run away?"

"She wasn't happy about summer camp, but I didn- don't think she would have just left. She knows how much I love her." Camila felt fear trickle down her spine. You pushed her to this. It's your fault.

"We'll keep watch by the house to see if she's been hiding out." The detective said, "don't give up hope."

"Never." Camila snapped with a force she didn't know she still had. 

"Good."  
\---------------------------

Camila stared at the messages from her daughter. These texts were the last connection she had. She felt tears running down what felt like an ingrained track down her face. She typed. 

Luzita, mija 

Wherever you are. Please give me a sign you're okay. That you'll come home. I know I haven't always been the best, but I love you with all my heart. So please. Come home.

The person you are trying to message is out of your service range. Please click the link below to see our coverage map.

Camila stared at her phone, tears rolling down her face and sobbed herself to sleep for the third night in a row.


	2. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts 
> 
> What happened in the human realm on Luz's birthday

Camila smiled at her friends and family as they sat around her living room. They mingled slightly with each other but the atmosphere was tense and fragile. She pretended she didn't see the looks they were giving her. She hated pity more than most, even if she knew it was out of care. She bit back her frustration, turning on some random reggaeton song just to see if she could lighten the mood. Today was supposed to be a happy day dammit and people were going to enjoy it. She smiled a bit as some of the younger kids started to dance and watched as some of the older ones took them out in the yard to play. Camila bit back her urge to make them stay inside. 

"Cami" Her older brother smiled weakly, as he placed an arm around her, "You didn't have to do this."

"What kind of mom would I be if I didn't throw my little girl a quinceañera?" Camila said, the sharpness in her tone caused her brother to put his hands up defensively.

"Lo siento, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm just worried about you." He sighed.

"I'm fine." She growled, walking away towards her friends from work who were gathered together. 

David offered a sad grin, his husband James casting a worried glance. She felt her sadness start to bubble up. They were her best friends and they had been the first people she called when her world came crashing down. David had gone to nursing school with her, and James had been her divorce lawyer which he did pro bono for her. James normally could turn any party light and fun, but even his smiles didn't meet his eyes. They were her go to babysitters, and the little girl they had watched grow up was gone. 

"Hey everyone, how's the party?" She asked, pretending she didn't see some of her coworkers flinch. 

"It's lovely Cam" David said, he was a skinny Puerto Rican man, he was about average height but he was dwarfed by James, the African American man often been compared to famous basketball players for his height much to his disdain. He was a family lawyer, who actually cared deeply for his especially troubled clients. Their friends often joked that he managed to hide his soul so they didn't steal it after the bar exam. He smiled giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. 

Camila felt tears pricking the back of her eyes, "we're out of chips, I'll go get more." She quickly exited the room and poured herself a shot of rum which she drank quickly before sitting down at the table. She tried to avoid looking at the object that sat on the kitchen table, but her gaze was drawn to it.

The latest good witch Azura book sat like a monolith in the room. She had pre-ordered it as soon as she could for today. Now it's bright colors and shiny trimmed cover seemed to mock her as much as they reminded her of the bleeding hole in her heart. Her eyes cast up further to the picture in the little frame in front of it. It was Luz when she was seven, she was wearing her purple sweater and insisted on taking her about the author photo for when she became a writer. Well that is, if she couldn't be a witch. She remembered laughing as she watched the little girl pose, trying her best to make a serious face. A wave of pain crashed over her as a sob escaped her throat. A hand was placed on her shoulder.

"Ella está con los ángeles, Mija" Her mother reassured, before pulling her into a hug.

Camila felt the whole in her chest ache, Luz had never met her abuela before, not when she was old enough to remember at least. Today was supposed to have been the day they finally were able to get to know each other. She knew her mother was trying to help. God, however, wasn't someone Camila wanted to think about. She had heard the lines of we'll pray for you, or God is looking out for you more in the past few months than when she actually attended mass back when she still called herself a catholic. Prayers didn't find her daughter, thoughts didn't tell her if she was alive or not. She wiped her tears, "Gracias, Mami" 

She slowly made her way back towards the party, lingering in a numbed state just long enough to make her more annoying relatives think she was okay. She played her part of hostess well. She smiled, joked, mingled and even laughed a few times. However those who took time to look in her eyes could only see the pain, raw and throbbing. 

The party was mercifully short, with everyone taking their leave. David and James, ever dutiful, helped her clean up.

"Cam-" David sighed.

"I don't want to hear it."

"Ya know what, I don't care. You're basically my sister. You have been taking extra shifts at work for the past few months, in your free time you spend as much time as you can volunteering at soup kitchens, animal shelters, organizing PFLAG meetings.-"

"Helping people isn't a crime." She spat.

"Yeah normally I would be thrilled but you have been doing every fucking thing but grieve. Kid, you're a mess. You need help. Professional help." 

"I don't need to grieve because she isn't dead."

David felt his frustration bubbling, but James' glance cooled his fire. 

"We all miss her. And even if she isn't gone. She wouldn't want you to be miserable. There's a therapist that I often send people to when I'm helping close out a will, or getting a protection order, she's great at her job. And we won't make you see her, but we do think you should give her a call. She takes your insurance and whatever else there is, I'll cover."

"James, you don't have to do that. I can pay for it."

"I'm not saying it because I think you can't, I'm saying that because I want you to go. And maybe this will help encourage you. It's okay that you're falling apart, but you have to let the pieces fall if you ever want to be able to put them back together. " He smiled, but the tears streamed down his face despite it.

Camila felt her mask crack as she was pulled into a tight hug. "I'll call her. I don't want to cause you two any more stress."

"Bitch please, We've spent our entire lives being stressed." David smirked, and the three of them laughed through their pain.  
\-------------------

Camila felt her guard go up as she walked into the police department. The vague message left on her phone by the detective made her anxiety fly higher than she knew possible. 

"Ms. Noceda" The detective smiled wearily, and ushered her into her office. 

"Have you had any updates on Luz?" 

The detective sighed, before meeting her eyes, "We haven't found anything other than that brochure-"

"Then why am I here?!" She snapped, frustration filling her every bone.

"Because....I want you to have realistic expectations as we continue to investigate. Ms. Noceda, your daughter has been missing for half a year now.....statically speaking....the odds of us finding her alive decrease every day."

"Then show me a body, detective. It's 7 years for a missing person to be declared legally dead. Until then I suggest you keep looking." She stormed out, ignoring the calls behind her.  
\----------------------

She stared at the storm, fury screamed in her mind. The PFLAG meeting had been canceled due to bad weather. Leaving Camila alone with her thoughts. She grabbed one of the pre rolls she purchased at the dispensary. She lit the joint and let the smoke clear her mind. Smoke didn't stop the bleeding she felt. Nothing would fill that. Luz was her world and that world was gone. She watched the smoke curling away from mouth, it seemed to dance in the air as if to celebrate its own brief existence. Her friend's words echoed in her head, 'she wouldn't want you to be miserable'. She let out a bitter laugh, Luz was gone, if she was alive, she was probably focused solely on her own survival to even think about her mom. And if she was.....well she really wouldn't have an opinion to begin with. She let out a deep breath, as she stared at the card James had left on the table. The one she promised she'd call eventually. She sighed as she went to the kitchen for some water, she looked at the mirror behind the sink. The woman who looked back at her had the beginnings of a grey streak in her hair, her eyes were reddish from the smoke and the crying, the bags under them were deeply set. She saw herself as others saw her and felt scared. She walked back to the living room, and picked up the card. Dr. Rosa Santiago, Clinical psychologist. Specializes in trauma, grief, LGBT+, and domestic abuse recovery. Helping you find balance in your life again. 

She smiled bitterly, taking another drag on her joint. Then thought about the woman in the mirror and all the times she found herself gazing at a bottle of pills. 'If Luz is alive, she will need you to be here when she comes back'

She put what was left of the joint in the ashtray and dialed the number. It wasn't much, but if it meant she would be able to carry on for her daughter. She'd be willing to try.


	3. One year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year since Camila last saw her daughter and she finally starts to wonder if she's even alive

Camila sighed as she entered the small office. She sat down on the plush suede couch, her eyes looked at the plants in the corner. She avoided the gaze of the doctor, who just smiled at her.

"Good afternoon Camila" Dr. Santiago said gently, her notepad placed in her lap. The doctor was a sweet motherly woman who seemed to radiate gentle warmth, like a blanket out of the dryer. "how are we feeling today?"

"Fine." Camila snapped unintentionally, wincing at her own tone.

The doctor didn't even seem to be bothered, as she nodded, "Today's not a good day, is it?"

Camila felt herself shrink under the doctor's gaze, as the words hung heavily in the air like smog. "Today would have been a year since Luz went missing."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. That must be hard. I'm happy you were able to make it in today." She smiled warmly.

Camila felt her eyes prick as her chest started to throb. She didn't want to cry. She had cried almost every day this year and dammit was she sick of tears. Her body protested as the tears came anyways. "I HATE IT. I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED. I hate that everyone thinks she's dead. I hate seeing families together at parks and restaurants. All these memories I have of all our favorite places and just how much they hurt. The detectives and the police have given up. And I just don't know what to believe. If she's alive, she could be anywhere. She could be abused, suffering and treated as some vile person's sex slave. If she's dead, I don't even know if I want to know how she died and I don't think I ever will. I can only hope it was quick and painless."

"This is the first time I think you've acknowledged the fact Luz could be dead."

Camila hands tighten into fists, "Yeah, great. Bet that makes me mother of the year."

The doctor sighed, "I didn't mean it like that. I meant that you're starting to face this situation instead of denying it. And of course it hurts, that's your daughter. If it didn't hurt then I would be worried. Facing the facts doesn't make you a bad mother, it means that you can finally start to heal."

"I...I don't want to give up on her....the chance that she could be alive somehow." 

"Grief is often associated with death, however it doesn't always have to be for death itself. People grieve the end of a relationship, the closure of their favorite mom and pop shop, selling their childhood home. Grief is about losing something important in your life, something fundamental to yourself and having it taken away from you. Even if Luz isn't dead, she's still gone. That piece of you that loved her is still broken regardless if she's alive or not. it's okay to hurt and grieve her." 

Camila felt herself breaking, "I...I shouldn't have tried to change her. I shouldn't have sent her to that stupid camp. Maybe if I had just stayed there she wouldn't have disappeared."

"You were only trying to look out for her by sending her to camp. As for her disappearance, we'll that's not your fault. Whatever happened it was out of your control. Unfortunately, bad things happen. No one is ever the perfect parent but honey, I can tell by how much you're grieving that you loved that girl with all your heart." The doctor moved closer handing Camila a box of tissues.

"I'm just so tired of hurting all the time. I thought by now they would have found anything. Just some sort of closure." The mother sobbed openly, as she thought of her lost little girl.

The doctor nodded, "You're going through one of the hardest things a parent could ever go through. No one should ever have to lose their child. Unfortunately, part of the healing process is just being in pain and hurting. However as time passes, it does it easier. But it never fully goes away." The doctor felt her heart break for the woman in front of her, "often in times of difficulty, it's helpful to find others who understand your pain. There's a grief group that meets twice a month for parents whose children died. You don't have to go if it's too much for you but it might help."

Camila felt something inside her sink, she didn't want to think of her daughter as dead. She had avoided the idea so much, but nothing else made sense. Luz, her angel, her light, her world was....dead. She hated the thought, it felt wrong. Every part of it seemed to claw at her broken heart. The thought of her daughter alive and where she could be was almost worse. 

The doctor's voice cut through her worst thoughts, "Now, I think it might be good for you to write a letter to her. You don't have to share it with me or anyone. But if there is anything you would like to say to her, it might give you some relief."

Camila nodded, her body seemed to lose any energy she had left. She looked at the clock and realized their hour was up. She took the card for the parent's grief group and made her way out of the office.  
\----------------------------------

She sighed as she sat on the sofa of her too quiet house. She remembered all the days she would come home to find Luz dancing to random pop songs or reenacting scenes from her favorite books and shows. Luz had always marched to the beat of her own drum and it filled their little home with so much life. She remembered some days telling Luz to quiet down. She'd give anything for the noise to be back. 

She stared at the notebook, as her emotions started to swell in her heart. She opened it up and began to write.

Dear Luzita,

I miss you. I miss you more than I even thought possible. I wish I could hold you in my arms again. And apologize for trying to make you something you're not. You're a free spirit and I should have encouraged it more. Your uncles miss you too. James doesn't smile quite as brightly as he used to. David isn't as bubbly anymore. We've all aged more in the past year than we had in the previous fourteen. I held your quinceañera, I don't really know if I should have. It just felt so wrong not to have one. I wish you could have met your abuela. She had been so excited to meet you. You honestly would have probably hated the party anyway, I know you were never big on frilly dresses and being around a bunch of strangers who act like they know you. I hated it, if I'm being honest. It just felt wrong. I did get you the newest good witch Azura book, they just released book seven. I put it in your room where you kept the others. You'll be happy to know that your room is the same. Actually maybe that makes it sad? I just can't go in there without crying. I still have some of your old sketches and story outlines. I remember all the ideas you had for fantasy and adventure novels. How much you wanted to also work on a children's book series. You were always so full of life, you brighten every room you walked into. You were strange and I could have lived without you bringing wild animals into the house. But God dammit I love you. I love you so much it hurts everyday. If I could have you back in my arms just for one more day, just to know what happened and that you're at least not suffering. I don't believe in God but if there is any heaven out there, I hope you're there. And you're riding your spider griffin and chasing dragons. And I hope you wait for me. That maybe we'll be able to dance together again. I'm sticking around here for a while. Some days I don't exactly know why, but maybe it's because I secretly hope that one day you'll be back. That I'll wake up one morning and all this will have been some horrid nightmare. That you'll be running down the stairs in your otter costume, being your silly self. I know that's probably not going to happen but some days that dream is the only thing that keeps me going. I know you probably don't want me to be sad, at least that's what everyone says. I just can't help it. Mija, you're my everything. The best thing I've ever had. I don't think I told you that enough while you were here. I love you. Adios, Mija. 

Camila watched as her tears dripped down onto the paper below, she hurt but there was also some relief. She went to sleep and for the first time in a year, she slept peacefully.


End file.
